World Mental Health Day

 I feel like I was writing about this topic several times already but it was never enough for me. Without full attention. And this needs a maximum care and attention. Sometimes it so hard for people to say this word. Sometimes the whole concept is just misunderstood. Recently, there was the World Mental Health Day and I felt an even greater need to tell my story as the whole, not bit by bit. I am not sure if I do the right thing, maybe I expose unnecessarily but every time I look around or at local news, it feels more like it is my responsibility. 

   When I was diagnosed with depression I was at quite a young age. First months or years (this I will probably never know) were complicated. My parents and the rest of family could not tell what was really happening. It seemed to others as if I was constantly sullen resentful, or offended. Even I myself did not really know what it was that I could not enjoy any minute of my childhood but simultaneously I was very much conscious of every second of my life. The life started being unbearable. And now imagine a girl who is fourteen years old who's saying that life is unbearable. Fourteen. Unbearable. I hope you got the picture now.

   Shortly after the first visit to the psychologist happened. It was what it was. (I know how hard it is to find a good psychologist/psychiatrist. Actually almost impossible, but it is essential to look further if you are not fully satisfied with who you have at the moment.) 

   And now, the biggest paradox of depression. Generally, my life as a child/teenager was okay, really normal; full of friends, colleagues. I was doing pretty good at school too, you know, I wanted to try, etc. But there is always the other side of the coin. When coming back home I was literary praying to God to take me out of this world. I couldn't bear the life anymore. That was too much for me. It felt like everything around me including myself was destroying me, my body, my mind, coloring every thought black. After some time, a year or two I started taking antidepressants because there I became the serious threat for myself. In every possible situation, I was just figuring out what would be the best way to kill myself. And those thoughts were comforting me, for after each thought if that kind, the next would be: "Oh, so there is a way out.". The choice of the most suitable meds is also another very very VERY important issue. The core of my message: WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICALS ONE CAN NEVER EVER CURE OF DEPRESSION. Ever. Trust me, my depression lasted for such a long time, and sometimes I was off my meds and the other time I was trying different kinds of it until I got the perfect one... It can take some time to get there but eventually, you will never feel good enough to function without them!!! Don't be too proud or too certain that you for sure will be okay without taking them. Depression is a disease, an illness. It is not a 'state of mind' or a chimera. And please don't you ever be bothered about what the world has to tell you: "you are exaggerating"; "just get over this"; " suck it up"; "you're too weak"; "put your life together". Hey, we're trying. We're doing our best. We need some more time. Would you ever tell someone with cancer to "suck it up"? Take your time, admit that you are not good, take care of yourself, ask for help.

There is also a stereotype that depressed people are too fragile to be around and being depressed is such a taboo that others don't take up this subject. Honestly, I would love to talk about it more with people. Try to help them when they are struggling or if they want to prevent themselves from the worst. Back then I was unable to express my uncertainty about continuing on living, I was scared of being rejected or that other kids would simply laugh at me. I am very happy to see on social media or on TV when discussions on depression and anxiety come up. It feels more comfortable to talk about it nowadays. I hope it gets to the point when those who are suffering will not have a bit of hesitation of what they are going through and they will be positive on getting needed resources in order to get back to normal functioning.

I am a young adult now and I am still on my medications. Even though that is my biggest dream to describe my state from the past - it is impossible. I love writing and I spend much of the time broadening my resources of words and developing the language, but I don't think I will ever find the right words to explain what depression is. 

I am glad that there are such days like World Mental Health Day and stories of people can be heard.